Thumb Rings Are SOOOOOO In

All the cool kids, I've decided, are wearing thumb rings, foot thumbs (big toe) included.

This isn't at all actually true. What I'm trying to do here is convince women that wearing finger jewelry on anything other than their thumbs is extremely confusing. I realize that the likely fact of the matter is that the only thing to worry about is an engagement ring on the left ring finger and/or a wedding ring on same said finger. However, I've come to understand that in some Eastern European factions of the universe, engaged women have taken to the practice of wearing their engagement rings on their right ring fingers. They then move that ring along with the wedding band onto their left ring finger......or something like that.

That slight twist to the norm has cast a wave of doubt over my already shaky ability to understand the intricacies of interacting with women. If some cultures put engagement rings on the right ring finger, and we put them on the left ring finger, then it's not at all out of the question for some other group of people (likely one of those whimsical Pacific Islanders) to put "taken" rings on their pinkie fingers (pinkie toes included). Stern didactic Germans probably put theirs on their index fingers. Canadians wear inconspicuous promise rings all over the place (even on necklaces, WTF!). The Irish, no doubt, put them on their middle fingers so the married Celtic minxes can add a 'fuck you' to an otherwise confrontationless social observation.

Thumbs are the only finger that does not make sense for this emblem of commitment. There is no culture in the world that has both the frivolous tendencies and abundant financing to be able to afford thumb rings made of gold or silver or platinum (even copper is pretty expensive these days). Furthermore, a traditionally acceptable precious stone would be dwarfed by the mammoth digit. My thumb is about 50% bigger than my ring finger meaning that the traditional 2-months salary commitment must be stretched to three. Three is 25% of 12 which is the number of months in a year. So, obviously, no one is crazy enough to spend 25% of their annual salary on a "taken" ring unless of course they are unemployed, in which case 25% of zero is still zero, but you can't buy a ring without any money, so in that case it would likely be stolen and the potential marriage is doomed from the get go.

Bottom line: I've been told to look for engagement rings due to a history of hitting on engaged women (without realizing it at the time). I'll look for the frickin ring, but give me a break and make it at least slightly obvious.

* I apologize now to all archers. The massive popularity of thumb rings that will likely ensue due to this post may initially fool you into thinking all the ladies share your Midevil hobby. In any event, sorry, they probably don't.

Controversy Flows After Same Sex Couple Adopts Local Highway

Have you ever driven past an Adopt a Highway sign and wondered what it would be like to lay claim to your own baby piece of national real estate? Well, a couple of young lovers have done just that. While driving through a barren stretch of Idaho highway, the two men decided to make an addition to their civil union by adopting a 1-mile stretch of desolate road, 50 miles outside of Boise on I-84. They named it Steve. The couple had stayed in Boise the night before and were taken by its charm. Since adopting the road, they have decorated it with little kid baseball clothes.

The critics, however, were quick to strike against this unorthodox family structure. Gay marriage doesn't have a chance of legality in Idaho. The same goes for adoption. These two men have a long road ahead of them as they struggle to gain acceptance in the Idaho landscape. Other participants in the Adopt a Highway program have already petitioned the Department of Transportation to build a new road, bypassing Steve, so that their adopted stretches of I-84 don't have to interact it. The couple has stated that they will take the issue to the Supreme Court if necessary with some sort of Brown vs. Board of Education defense to try to stop the other adopters from isolating their new son.

Hi Eugene

Sorry to my loyal followers (I think there are 2 of you and that you check the site every other day or so), I just arrived in Eugene, OR, my new home, and have thus not written in quite a while. Don't pack your bags yet, I though up a ton of funny shit on the drive out. I'm not sure if it will actually be funny, but it will most definitely be a sincere effort.

Bread Bowl Pasta? More Like Bread Bowl FUN!

Can't fit into that wedding dress? Need help filling out that new polo? Look no further. Domino's has created a monster that goes contrary to all recently conceived diet recommendations. "Screw you," says the pasta-filled bread bowl says to the protein-dominant diets of the early 2000's. "Go ahead and eat that cereal for breakfast in your half-hearted attempt to lose weight or in your passive aggressive attempt to get your breakfast partner to lose weight," says Domino's, "come to us on the way home from work, when you feel vulnerable, and let our colossal carbohydrate cake corrode your carotid."

I've recently thought about pasta in a new way. It's just bread formed into interesting shapes. I find it difficult to feel like I'm getting a deal when I pay more than a couple bucks for a pasta dish at a restaurant. By serving me a pasta dish in a nest of bread, Domino's is trying to fool me again. I guess we know we are in a recession when the carbohydrate/other stuff ratio increases, but don't try to fool me into thinking that I want to do this, or into thinking that it's a good idea. Domino's is serving bread in a bread bowl with a bit of sauce.
Gross.


I want one.

Wow, Somalia Is Now REALLY Freaking Me Out

All in all, this is actually kind of funny. Somalia has been going through a bit of a joke of a time. From what I remember, the Somali government had to leave the country and govern from abroad to avoid being murdered. Now, back in the country it sort of oversees, the government is trying to hold on to whatever power it may still have.

As if this chaos isn't news enough, a bunch of Somali pirate jerks have managed to steal the headlines in newspapers around the world. A French yacht was seized with a 3 year-old taken hostage. An American ship carrying FOOD AID was temporarily seized. A Dutch ship, a Belgian ship, and I think a Turkish ship have also been attacked in the past couple of days alone. Countries from all over have sent massive destroyers to the region in attempt to fight off a bunch of guys in tiny speed boats who apparently like wearing tank tops while they brandish their terrifying Soviet weapons. The inclusion of American vessels into the mix, I think, will likely guarantee an influx of money into the region. The money will help the government buy the power it needs to confront these pirates on land and to assist economic development efforts in the region.

In the face of this global epidemic, the Somali government has decided to NOT address the absurd piracy. Rather, it has voted (unanimously, nonetheless) to impose Sharia law in all of its lands. "What?" Somalia says, "some of our citizens are hijacking massive ships carrying millions of dollars worth of cargo from some extremely powerful nations? Whatever." Rather than create a reasonable climate in which to receive international funds to fight piracy, to regain control of the country, and to walk down the road of development, the country has decided to take little girls out of school, drape them in clothing, and throw rocks at them for doing anything that seems fun. Women aren't the only ones to suffer. Men have to grow disgusting beards, and will likely have to give up their televisions and radios. Essentially, the government has taken away everything fun and has ended all potential for normal socializing. What do people do when they're not allowed to have fun? Well, they pick up guns, put on tank-tops, and start hijacking ships in the Gulf of Aden. Somalia's solution, then, to the pirate problem: let's create a climate in which piracy becomes the coolest and most reasonable outlet for fun and the most stable form of income with which to have said illegal fun.

I don't mean to be an over-confident jerk, but sometimes it really does seem like I could potentially be more capable of running a country than a lot of people that currently run countries. Then again, I have a history of Monday morning Presidenting.

Torpedoes For Everyone!

I've been sweating Subway's $5 foot-long for the past few months, rarely venturing to any of their rivals (I went to Potbelly's the other day only because I felt that I deserved a milkshake for a hard week's work). My heart, however, is beginning to fall for another. I have become enamored with the idea of a thinner, crunchier, potentially longer, and certainly cheaper alternative. Quiznos, now offering a $4 Torpedo, has brought some steam to my lunch-time love life. While I have yet to try one of these militant sandwiches, the commercials continue pumping their $4 message. Advertisers have realized that the only reason I've been going to Subway is because I know I can eat there for $5. They have also realized the best way of beating that deal, to allow me to eat for $4.

And Its Snowing Again

:(