Julia Child, Get Out Of My Dreams, And Stay The Hell Away From My Car

The other night I had a dream. I'm not exactly sure what this dream meant, but I do know that it was creepy, and that it ruined my relationship with Julia Child.

So, in this dream, I walked into a bakery. The reason I walked into the bakery was to order a coffee from a cute girl that worked at the bakery. the girl may or may not have been loosely based on the girl at the deli counter at the grocery store I go to. I've never had a reason to get anything at the deli counter, but one day, when I walked by said counter, the girl on whom I crush made fun of my flannel to one of her coworkers. Adorable, the making fun of flannel, even if it's one I happen to be wearing.

Anyway, back to the dream. The girl is behind the counter, looks like she's closing up the bakery for the day. I order my coffee, we make some quick banter, then Julia Child comes out of the back room and told the girl to go clean up the kitchen. How dare Julia Child order my girl around like that! Anyway, Julia started chatting me up in that gobble gobble sort of way she talks. It seemed like it was taking her forever to get me my coffee. She started asking me if I like various types of pastries. I liked most of them. She demanded I take some of them from her store. Apparently she was throwing them all out and they'd be of no use to her if they remained after I left. Who am I to turn down some sweets made by Julia? I'm no one to be turning down sweets made by Julia. I took the sweets. She gave me my coffee. She charged me $38.24.

She charged me for all of the sweets. The girl didn't come back out of the kitchen. I woke up and went to work. Great start.

500 Days of Are You Freaking Kidding ME?

So, I did one of those things on the list of things I was told to by no means ever do. No, I didn't watch TV during a thunderstorm, nor did I sleep with a fan blowing near my neck, and no I didn't have fried macaroni and cheese balls dipped in ranch dressing. I did probably the most internally apocalyptic thing on that list: I watched 500 Days of Summer.

I know, this is really lame and would certainly serve as fodder for countless emasculating jokes if there were anyone in my geographic vicinity to craft said jokes, but real talk (see previous post for clarification) this was a roller coaster. Like a boyscout sent into the wilderness with a couple merit badges and a Nalgene bottle, I was completely unprepared for the story that just unfolded.

Dude falls in love with no other than Zooey. Zooey reciprocates emotion albeit in a "casual" disguise. The pair goes to IKEA. They don't even seem to buy anything. They eat pancakes. Are you kidding me? They make whimsical lists on a wall covered in chalkboard paint. They sit in an ugly park with an ugly view. They did things that, if done alone, make one seem either manic or depressed or otherwise completely insane (I mean, pancakes?).

He worked for a greeting card company? He wore skinny ties? He took little tiny coincidences entirely to seriously, assigning to them the gravity typically reserved for a mass of locusts hovering over all known civilization? His name was Tom? This is ridiculous. Merely days after I became overly infatuated with an unsuspecting woman while vacuuming my car solely due to the fact that she also shared an appreciation for automotive tidiness that which she demonstrated while throwing away old receipts from her car while waiting to use the vacuum that I had, at the time, been using, I run into this strikingly similar fool who lost his love to a d-bag that happened to ask her what book she was reading in a freaking cafe?

I'm not really that devastated. I just really want to go to IKEA, and not buy anything. I think I'll now most certainly be ending my evening with this delightfully melancholy XX album and a coconut butterscotch chip cookie. Just one, because there's only one left. Sorry.

New Era In Verbal Economics

This year has started off with spark as I discovered an amazing contribution to the field of verbal economics from a little known expert in the field.

Kelley, R. 2007. "Real Talk." Double Up. Jive/Zomba Records. May 29.

Little did he know, but R. Kelly was on to something truly provocative when he decided to throw away all past societal norms and combine the words Real and Talk, to create a stunning, two-syllable affirmation of or inquiry regarding a previously said statement. Up till now, we've been saying things like, "seriously", or the tremendously outdated and embarrassing (yet equally verbally frugal), "for real". Now with only two syllables, we can question the validity of a statement said by one of are peers with a simple, "real talk?". Or we can wipe away any doubt in a listeners' minds and affirm our previous statement by following it with an explosive "real talk!". If one is expressing a particularly fervent belief, he or she may go one step further in affirming their statement with a , "Real Talk, *insert expletive*".

Enough talk, I'll let the literature speak for itself. I present to you R. Kelly.



p.s. I know this came out in 2007, and that I am way too late to make fun of this without feeling completely out of touch with popular culture, but whatever, happy 2010. Also, the grammar required to write this post was particularly difficult. Referring to phrases and adding question marks in the middle of sentences? It's hard, and I dare you to try doing it right. Real talk.

January at the Y

Over the past few years, I think I've developed the traits and habits required to be completely judgemental of the miserable transformation that has occurred at the local YMCA. Since October, I've given up on the outdoors and have focused my athletic prowess on the treadmills and weight machines down the street at the Y (with the help of my boss's family pass, of course). I've been running somewhat regularly for the past few year. Not far by any means, a couple miles, just long enough to completely saturate myself in vegetarian sweat, and just far enough to sprint past a couple of over confident d-bags who for some reason insist on running with their girlfriends who tend to be in much better shape. I'm pretty sure my main reason for running in the first place was to be seen running. That, and to have an excuse to take a second shower in the day, the one I love the most but would otherwise feel too guilty to take in fear that the water meter reader would raise an eyebrow in judgement.

While running, I'm sure a couple calories were burned, and I know I can handle a flight of stairs with a bit more grace. The point is, my running is neither health-based nor competition-based. I don't do it to fit into my skinny jeans (my ass is too small and feet too big to ever feel publicly acceptable in a pair of those) and I don't do it to look like some sort of famous person. I don't even like running, really. It's just something I do, I have the shoes, I have the shorts, the sweatband, the playlist, the time...why not put them to use?

I describe my own reasons for fitness to demonstrate why all of the people that are now at the Y in January, probably won't be in February. They've all made silly little resolutions to themselves. Some have Keira Knightley in their dreams (either to look like her, or to bed her). Others may want to postpone their future heart disease, or get their diabetes in check. Some post-birth stretch marks may serve as inspiration, or maybe it was the ridiculous number of absolutely terrible NFL teams this year that has motivated some surely to be disappointed loyal fans to try out for their local clubs. Regardless of the specific reasons enticing so many people to join the gym this January, there is a common theme. They're all doing it for stupid reasons. They'll give up soon enough. After all, it shouldn't take long for one to realize that they won't be dating Keira soon (I mean, just watch Love Actually a couple times, she's in love, man, and despite whatever theatrical stunts you may try to pull, she's not leaving your best friend for you!).

I'm all for these resolutioners to get fit (at the end of the day, with health reform, it'll be my ass that'll be paying for their hospital bills) but can't they go before work? I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the November Y. The one with the old hippie who wore high thick socks and walked on an incline for seemingly ever. The one with the old Asian lady that moved her arms in jerks with 2.5 lb weights in each hand. The Y with the younger guy that would watch the Asian lady while slowly pedalling a bicycle. This is the YMCA I miss. The one full of people that just go because they go, because it's a stupid routine they've picked up along the way. There is no over exertion in the November YMCA. No one is sweating too much, no one is spotting anyone, no one is (god forbid) using multiple cardio machines in a single workout.

By mid-February, I think (I hope) this riduculousness will end. Valentine's day will come and go and the semi-dedicated resolutioners will realize that their loved ones still love them, and that the ones they hope will love them are still beyond their reach. Then, in February, I'll have my Y back.

The New Most Interesting Man In The World

You know what? F Dos Equis. Their so called "most interesting man in the world" is no more than a really lame animal in sheep's clothing. (Is that a phrase?). Jonathan Goldsmith is the guy in the commercial. You may know him from a couple of episodes of Murder She Wrote. He also played Jack in an episode of MacGyver. At the end of the day, though, this guy knows nothing about spelunking, nor does he play jai alai as the commercials may lead you to believe.

B.J. Novak, on the other hand, is truly remarkable. For starters, he plays a relatively minor role on The Office every Thursday night. One night of work a week isn't enough to keep this guy satisfied, though. B.J. has taken on the pen name of Aaron Rodgers. On most Sundays, and every once in a while on a Monday, he leads the Green Bay Packers to battle. I'm watching him play right now, actually. He's really good. As if that wasn't enough, the guy gets on a plain and flies to France to finish up the week as that pesky French President, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Alright, I know they're not the same person, but seriously, they're freaking identical!

Yeah, actually, now that I look at it, they don't look alike at all. Sorry for wasting your time.

Thanksgiving is in the Air. . . Or Maybe the Dog Just Has Gas

So, I'm not exactly sure why I'm so worried this year, but I am taking a proactive approach to Thanksgiving. I'm actually practicing recipes. Thing is, I never really keep track of what I do each time I make something, so the whole practice element is sort of lost in the process. I end up just eating Thanksgiving sides for several weeks leading up to the big day.

Well anyway...today I made jalapeno cheddar cornbread cupcakes with avocado garlic frosting. I tried this last year for my birthday and they were miserable. This time, though, they're frickin' adorable and tasty as a June snow cone.

Next up, Spanakopita.

Also, if you really want to get into the autumn spirit, check out this McSweeney post.

Part V: The Massive Let Down

Received:
Tom hello again ,I am here after my visit to the consulate and to the agency I am so happy to say we will meet in few days!!!! I am really lucky girl to meet you. Honey the thing is that everything is ready and I have to leave moscow on Saturday but I have a little problem and I really hope you will be able to help me. You see I never expected I will ask you for such help but I have nothing else to do. You know my mum promised to send me money for tickets by western union as soon as I will find out prices but she was told on her work that because of economic crisis she will receive all the money she saved from every months salary only in a few months. So that is why she can`t send me all the sum for tickets now and she was able to send only 200$ I have got it today.I can`t delay my flight because all my documents are arranged on exact dates..

Tom I wanted to ask you to help me to pay for my tickets directly but I was told in travel agency I can't use your help or ask you about sending me tickets or ordering electronic ones because I have a permission to use the help of the travel agency only. Your see its business of travel agency to arrange all travel things for my trip, such is the law.If I will but ticket by myself, I won`t be able to use my work visa. so you can`t send me tickets. I`m sure my mom will help me but she needs more time and I can`t wait so long because I need to buy tickets till my flight date. I was in the bank to try to ask them a loan but they said I need to have registration in Moscow to get a loan from their bank and I don't have it! I know I`m asking you for very big but maybe it will be possible for you to help me. You are my last hope and I have nothing else to do. If I will not buy tickets my visa will be canceled and it will be forbidden for me to apply for visa again for next 8 months. I have only about 150 dollars that I expected to take with me for the first time and plus 200$ mom sent so if you will help me with 950$ I will have enough to buy tickets and have some extra money for travel needs. I know its a big sum of money ,but please try to help me and I promise I will return you money back after my first salary or as soon as my mom will send it , as she promised. I will cross my fingers hoping for your help because I want to meet you so much!!!!! I will be waiting for your answer!!!

I will be here in late evening and please don't worry if I can't answer immideatelly I have too much to do. Tom make a transfer by western union, I have got transfer from mom and have all the info for it and it was so easy to get.Only show my passport. You should know my rent address here is 21/56 Azina street, Moscow, Russia.128544 Remember my full name is Anastasiya- (first name). Ranneva -(last name, its the right writing in transliteration from russian, I was told it by manager in travel agency). and you should put it on western union list and you can choose any bank in moscow,so I can pick up the money at any bank of moscow. and nearest bank with western union office here is - name of the bank - SOFRINO,streetOZERKOVSKAYA NABEREZHNAYA, 12; city-Moscow, postal code -113184; phone number --- +7-495-9537712 it will be safe to use western union transfer because I need to have passport to receive it!And please after you complete transfer write me the number of the transfer, P.S. I`m so sorry I asked you for such help, but you see you are my last hope and now my only wish is to meet you. I want to start a new life and I`m sure we can spend so many happy days and probably nights together!
Please try to help me with the sum and in one month I will return you money back!!

P.S.Tom dear I am not sure I should tell this but I want to let you know if you don't like me when I come I will not bother you and it is only your choice to spend time with me or not. I know you may be too busy or just meet different woman but in any case I will return the money back. I will have a room for rent if I want, a job and I want to say please don't worry I don't want to use you just to reach my goal. I am sure when we meet we will have no regrets about it, Tom I promise. I dream about our first meeting, our first night .............I think everything depends on you! please, honey, don't leave me alone I've done so much to start this trip and I don't want to give up.and as always forger about important thing,please tell me your full name I mean right writing because when I was getting mom's transfer they asked about full name of the sender,not only my name!it is the law!

Sent:
Hey Anastasia!

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and how her work is refusing to pay for her and how this all left you in a jam. I'm a software engineer (make lot of money) so sending you what you need is no problem at all...especially considering how much I want for you to come live with me. I made the transfer through western union to the bank you told me to (Sofrino bank i think it is called). the transfer number is 0255472289.

I hope this works! Let me know if you run into any more problems!

See you soon!

Jimmy (really, call me Jimmy, only my grandmother calls me tom).

[[fyi - that is a completely made up transfer number. It has the right number of digits, bit I totally made it up]]

Received:
Jimmy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you sooooooooo much you are helping me!!!! You made me very excited and I am very thankful to you!!!

Jimmy I was in western union office but manager told me it was no transfer from you so pls send me a copy of receipt ok?? I can't wait to meet you! My heart beats so fast now! Today I will go to see some more sightseeings, I'm having very good time here but I'm sure when I come to you we will have simply great time together!!!! I can't wait to get to know you better!!! Do you like massage? I can make very good massage!!!! I will make it for you if you want, let me know!!!! You are the best man I've ever met (or almost met) and there are no such great man in Russia. You are so far away and so close to me...You are in another country and right in my heart.... Oh... I became a little sad because you are not with me now... I will try to smile for you!!! I know soon the day of our meeting will come and I will be able to hug you!!!!!!!!!! Isn't it great? I think so! I have a good feeling we will like each other. I think it's just a voice of women's intuition inside me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please trust my voice!!!!!

I'm sending you a kiss by the wind and I hope you will receive it!

[[At this point, I sort of planned on strining her/him along for a while, sending fake transfer numbers to banks further and further outside of Moscow. I started getting a bit worried about my future as it might cease to exist if I ever did decide to travel to Russia and happen upon the wrong street. With this in mind, I came up with the perfect ending.]]

Sent:
Hi Anastasiya,

This is Emily. I am Jimmy's wife, and I check his e-mail. I don't know who the fuck you are, but my husband was about to send you $950! I saw the receipt from Western Union in the car and I canceled the transfer, so no there is no fucking money for you today. And no, you are not stealing my man from me!

Stay the FUCK away from my husband!

Received:
Hello ! Honey, I`m so sorry I asked you to help me with tickets. I really didn`t expect I will ask you for such help. I thought my mum will send me money to moscow so I would have enough. But the last minute she told she is enable to help, she has problems on her work. you see I can`t delay my flight because all my documents are arranged on exact dates and if my flight will be canceled I won`t be able to apply for visa for next 4 years.. Oh I just can`t stop crying.. Pls help me and I promise I will return you money back in 1 or 2 month, my mum will send it to us! And also I will start to work as soon as I will arrive. I never lied to you and always told you truth. I promise I will never hurt you. If you will help me, I will fly to you on Saturday and we will spend really great time together!!!

I can`t change it on another day, so I have a little time to buy tickets. I'm not going to solicit the money from you... I thought it will be possible for me to come to you and be yours... You have captivated my poor heart and I just don't know how you've done it. I'm still desperately want to see you!

Honey if it was possible to send me tickets I would have asked you to do that. I checked all ways and that's not possible. you see if I won`t buy ticket my flight will be canceled and I won`t be able to apply for visa for next 4 years.. I'm so sad now, so sad that I don't want to live. I want to fall asleep and don't get up one more month! Please don't think Oh, why I met that Russian girl in Internet, she promised a lot and never done it. I really wanted to come to you but you know I've never travelled so far away and I was not smart enough to set up all things for my trip. I still feel I need you in my life so much. I pray it will be possible for you to help me somehow. No one here can help me, I feel myself so alone.. I asked all my friends and realtived but no one can give me money even for a few days. My mum will send me more money just in 1 month and I need to buy tickets till Saturday or my flight will be canceled.. I so hope it will be possible for you to help me somehow. Pls make a transfer on my name and I promise I will fly to you on Saturday and finally kiss you!! I`m waiting for your answer!

Your girlfriend
Anastasiya

Sent:
Anastasiya,

It's me again, Emily, Jimmy's wife. I'm not entirely sure what the fuck you didn't understand in my last email, but i'm going to ask you one last time to stay the fuck away from my husband. DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?!?! i don't care whether or not you come to america. if you do, great, congratulations, but you sure as fuck aren't staying with my husband. you're not giving him massages, you certainly aren't his girlfriend. We have a three year old son for christ's sake. he's not leaving me. Find another way into the country!

DON'T FUCKING REPLY!!!
Emily.

[[Moral of the story: If you see fire, go ahead and play with it a bit, but make sure you don't get your hair too close because you'll just end up with a stinky mess. Thanks for reading.]]