Bandit Love

I don't want to come off like I condone bank robberies, but I after they've stolen so much money from us (both directly through absurd mortgages and indirectly by spending out tax money derived bailouts on monochromatic m&m's, prostitutes, and Lexus's), I think it's not so surprising to see the recent spike in occurrences. Not only have I never seen a guard in a bank recently (let alone an armed guard), the unnecessarily friendly attitude is like that of an insecure friend who does everything in his or her capacity to make you happy out of fear that you will drop said friend at the drop of a hat (unless, of course, they pick your hat up for you).

I, for one, would never have the balls to rob a bank. Women, on the other hand, are increasingly likely to have the balls required to rob a bank. Now I don't want to cause any confusion. Females around the country aren't waking up between Monday and Friday during non-bank holidays with a new set of bank-robbing, testosterone-filled sugar lumps. Rather, they are waking up and realizing their full potential, and using the deceptive and purely adorable tactics they've used on me for years.

I can't bring my miserly mind to recollect the number of drinks I've purchased for women in my life (many of them were completely unprovoked). If I were a bank teller, and a pretty woman walked into the bank (probably with dimples, some sort of punky fringe, and Nina Ricci l'air du temps), I would think to myself, "man, when she comes to my booth for a mundane transaction, I'm going to totally make her day and give her all the money in the vault...." If she had the daring charm to actually ask for all of the money in the vault, well, I'd definitely give it to her and think to myself, "good for her, I like it when women take it upon themselves to make situations rather than sitting around waiting for some sort of chivalrous act from an increasingly less bold masculine form."

So, is it surprising that more and more women (sometimes cute as a Lilly Allen overcoat button) are robbing banks of their worth? Absolutely not. Does it suck that this is happening while I am not a bank clerk? Most certainly. Just imagine how awesome it would be 10 years down the line when I tell my kids about the time I met their mother, "when she put that gun in my face and yelled at me for trying to add a lollipop to the bag of money I was handing her over the counter, I knew we were destined for Chinese takeout, community gardening, a mantle covered in photos of ourselves wearing sweaters and petting diseased animals at petting zoos, we were destined for love."