Ponderous Bonderous

So, thanks to the USA network and an otherwise uneventful evening (I say uneventful despite the fact that I just painted some sick-ass yellow stripes on my wall and cleaned up the dog poop from the yard) I have had the opportunity to experience my first James Bond movie. In other words, I have just wasted 3 hours of my life that I could have spent smoking my own ribs, baking cupcakes, or making 30 soft boiled eggs (one at a time, of course).

Despite the miserably heinous plot, I still don't really get what the point of Casino Royale was. It seems as though this Bond character had the delicate duty of killing everyone around him

(OH SHIT!!!!!! THE FUNDS WERE TRANSFERRED TO THE VENICE BRANCH!!!!!).

You caught me, I'm in the process of watching the last few minutes of this still terrible film.

Despite this burst of surprise during what I thought was an elongated denouement, I hold firm to my belief that these movies are absolutely terrible. They force the exact same cliches (I'm assuming as, again, this is the first one I've nearly watched all the way through) of all spy/assassin movies. The realist in me - which is all of me - doesn't appreciate Bond's apparent inability to be killed.

If I got in a car crash like that, I'd be shredded. One strike to the balls with that rope thing and I would've hurt to death. I mean, I can barely survive a vodka martini let alone drink several and still maneuver like a Romanian gymnast. Add to that the stifling dialogue and you have one of the most poorly conceived excuses for a cinematic series ever created. Furthermore, I can't bring myself to believe this guy's luck with women. She says she feels like there's still blood on her hands, so he awkwardly puts them in his mouth and says, "that's better, yeah"? WHAT?! If I thought I had blood on my hands from a traumatic experience, the last thing I'd need is for them to be put in the mouth of the person that just killed the people whose blood I thought was on them in the first place (run on?).

Regardless, I've obviously just finished my last beer of the night, and an archaic nail gun has been added to the plot. Goodnight and good luck.

On a side note, upon initiating spellcheck, the only misspelled word was Royale. EAT THAT!