Thumb Rings Are SOOOOOO In

All the cool kids, I've decided, are wearing thumb rings, foot thumbs (big toe) included.

This isn't at all actually true. What I'm trying to do here is convince women that wearing finger jewelry on anything other than their thumbs is extremely confusing. I realize that the likely fact of the matter is that the only thing to worry about is an engagement ring on the left ring finger and/or a wedding ring on same said finger. However, I've come to understand that in some Eastern European factions of the universe, engaged women have taken to the practice of wearing their engagement rings on their right ring fingers. They then move that ring along with the wedding band onto their left ring finger......or something like that.

That slight twist to the norm has cast a wave of doubt over my already shaky ability to understand the intricacies of interacting with women. If some cultures put engagement rings on the right ring finger, and we put them on the left ring finger, then it's not at all out of the question for some other group of people (likely one of those whimsical Pacific Islanders) to put "taken" rings on their pinkie fingers (pinkie toes included). Stern didactic Germans probably put theirs on their index fingers. Canadians wear inconspicuous promise rings all over the place (even on necklaces, WTF!). The Irish, no doubt, put them on their middle fingers so the married Celtic minxes can add a 'fuck you' to an otherwise confrontationless social observation.

Thumbs are the only finger that does not make sense for this emblem of commitment. There is no culture in the world that has both the frivolous tendencies and abundant financing to be able to afford thumb rings made of gold or silver or platinum (even copper is pretty expensive these days). Furthermore, a traditionally acceptable precious stone would be dwarfed by the mammoth digit. My thumb is about 50% bigger than my ring finger meaning that the traditional 2-months salary commitment must be stretched to three. Three is 25% of 12 which is the number of months in a year. So, obviously, no one is crazy enough to spend 25% of their annual salary on a "taken" ring unless of course they are unemployed, in which case 25% of zero is still zero, but you can't buy a ring without any money, so in that case it would likely be stolen and the potential marriage is doomed from the get go.

Bottom line: I've been told to look for engagement rings due to a history of hitting on engaged women (without realizing it at the time). I'll look for the frickin ring, but give me a break and make it at least slightly obvious.

* I apologize now to all archers. The massive popularity of thumb rings that will likely ensue due to this post may initially fool you into thinking all the ladies share your Midevil hobby. In any event, sorry, they probably don't.