Robots Make People Happy

Maybe I’ve completely lost touch with the universe, but I’m nearly certain that Usain Bolt is a machine created by the universal panel for peace.

First, the machine part. This is pretty easy to prove. I, for example, run 4 or 5 times a week. I don’t over-exert myself (I’m probably out there for 30 minutes or so, and that includes a calisthenics routine akin to what an 80 year-old retiree in Arizona would do in the park). My diet consists of sale items at the grocery store. I probably drink too much, and my lack of commitment to difficult tasks is probably limiting my progress. All things considered (I gave NPR a $2 donation out of guilt for writing that), I reckon I’m in relatively good shape. Despite my attempts at staying above the curve (I even bought a yoga mat a few weeks ago to, uh, do yoga I guess) I will never be able to run anywhere near as quickly as Bolt.

He’s officially the fastest man ever to live on Earth, right? Sure nobody kept track of these things back in the day, but they also didn’t have trainers, pumas, frictionless bodysuits, or performance enhancing drugs back then. I don’t quite understand how, as time goes buy, these records keep on getting beat. Does this mean that eventually, a man will be able to run 100 meters in an infinitesimal amount of time? (I should say that I’ve been economizing way too much this week, so maybe my worries are completely pointless, but it’s fun to think about).

So, ok, he has to be a machine. Now, point 2, I think he was made by a group of well wishers in a constant struggle to keep all of the world’s ills at bay (bay? is that really how you spell that type of bay? is it literal? like, I’ve hopped in my boat and am going off to the distance and they are being held at the edge of the bay?). Here’s why I think this. Over the past decade, after the tremendous fun of the 1990s has shattered to pieces, everyone in the world hates each other and themselves. How better to cheer everyone up than to create an athletic phenom?

His last name is Bolt. What the hell are the odds that someone from the Bolt family (how many can there be?) would become the fastest man in the world? Pair that with a name that has been associated with evil totalitarianism as well as unprecedented democracy (I know it’s not spelled the same, but most people can’t spell well, so phonetically, it’s the same). Usain Bolt was obviously created to make the world happy….to make the world get along again. Everyone in the world can like this guy.

The thing is, I think it worked. Maybe it’s my complete isolation in the uncomfortably semi-urban Pacific Northwest, but everyone seems to be getting along much better than they were a year ago. Granted, a year ago I was in London, where everyone hates everything. Either way, I’m sort of glad Bolt was created. In fact, I sort of can’t wait till we all start hating each other again. Who knows what kind of sports start we’re in store for next? Homer Kim? Muqtada Hatrick?

This was really lame, I’m sorry, but I like to think the world is capable of producing robots…robots that make everyone feel better about everything.