Tuesday 27 January 2009

Amazing Advertisement of the Day

I have absolutely no idea how this commercial is supposed to make me want to have safe sex any more than the absurdly devastating possible negative consequences already do. Either way, I have the amazing urge to rush out and by several packs of multi-colored condoms, like, right now, and chances are, I will use them to make the most expensive lubricated-fruit-smelling balloon animal zoo this side of Mormon country.

Monday 26 January 2009

Automakers Continue To Make Mistakes

As mentioned by, like, all news outlets today, Obama will seek to strike down Bush's actions that prevented California from enacting more stringent automobile emissions legislation than the rest of the United States. Automakers and other jerks have been calling this proposed action a terrible idea that will only add to the burdens automakers are facing citing lack of technological innovation and increased production costs at a time of crisis as reasons to avoid this market segmentation. They are totally wrong, and are thinking about the situation in a completely naive and elementary way.

California, if it were a country of its own, would have the 9th largest GDP in the world. That's a lot of money. It also has nearly 40 million people. That's a big market. I'm not familiar with the automobile emissions standards of other countries, maybe they don't even exist, but I have reason to believe that as the global push for climate change mitigation and prevention continues to gain force, the international community will adopt standards more stringent than the absurdly lax standards the US currently complains about. In other words, strict regulations in California are merely a taste (not even really a taste, more like the sensation you get when you smell an onion being grilled) of what's to come in the near future.

A strict set of California regulations will force automakers to change their practices. It will allow for a slow transition into a more fuel efficient fleet as manufacturers begin producing California-legal engines while selling existing models in most of the rest of the US. What it allows for, though, is a new frontier of competition that none of them seem to be embracing. Let's say new regulations would allow only 20% of the cars currently on the market to be sold in California. A manufacturer, then, that has transformed their entire fleet to abide by the new regulations would be in a near-monopolistic position. They would have 80% of the California market. Jackpot, right?

As automakers beg for our tax dollars, shouldn't they be looking for opportunities to gain a leg up in the market? Shouldn't they be searching for new markets? Satisfy new demands? There's nothing better than a forced change in demand. No more public opinion polling. No more satisfying the people that like it when their car door makes a loud sound upon closing (suggesting a heavy, sturdy, and safe? car). People will take what they are allowed to get. As far as the technology not existing, well that's just completely incorrect. Sure, it's probably hard to get a Hummer to average 15 miles per gallon (still grossly low), but that just means people won't be buying Hummers.

Time's of extreme hardship are amazing opportunities for fundamental change and preparation for the future. The days of the Ford Taurus have to end. The thing is 25 feet wide and can fit 9 massive suitcases in the trunk. Not only would it cost a fortune to put those 9 suitcases in an airplane, the width of the car prevents its owner from parking with any sort of ease in the ever shrinking parking spot size of urban parking lots (also, no one really puts 3 people in the front seat anymore, do they?). AND IT'S FRICKIN' UGLY!!!! Stop dragging your heals, Detroit, and make me an attractive car that abides by respectable environmental standards. Nothing you've been trying for the past few years has worked. Your cars suck. Try this, and your luck just might change.

Tuesday 20 January 2009

Inaugural Basketball


Amid the tremendously fun agenda of today, President Obama will take a small break between inaugural balls, inaugural galas, and inaugural window shopping to initiate a new tradition into the inauguration day events of future presidents. Persuaded by fellow short-sided stars (like, literally short-sited, not like he doesn't have a good grasp on the future, cuz he does!) Obama agreed to participate in a quick game of knockout with fellow goggle wearers, Horace the horse Grant, and Kareem the wet dream Abdul Jabbar. Obama (above) made a stop in Michigan where he borrowed the prescription goggles of a Chrysler autoworker recently laid off due to the fact that Chrysler makes terrible cars that no one in their right mind would purchase.

Proceeds will go to the Keep Kazuo Kawasaki Profitable Fund. Mr. (or is it Mrs.? i have no idea) Kawasaki designed the frames for Sarah Palin's eyeglasses which allowed for her negligent brain capacity to be outshined by her folksiness and minxy eye winks. The fund was created to support Kawasaki's efforts in creating a new line of sportswear goggles which may keep poor-sited NBA stars on the court longer than previous models. While Jabbar and Grant are too old to benefit from the new model, there are several fallen stars that could benefit. NBA fans may once again accept Bryant "big country" Reeves back onto the court after his premature retirement due to bad vision (he also sucked a lot, but the goggles will be able to fool approximately 45% of Clinton voters to purchase Grizzlies season tickets).

Real Time Blogs SUCK!

Have you ever wanted to experience an event shortly after said event has happened? Are you fed up with the detail and precision that video clips provide? Are you too lazy to attend the event itself? Are you too rushed for a thoughtful account of the event later in the day, maybe on the evening news, in the morning paper, or as told by a friend or colleague of yours that was at the event?

If you fall into one of these categories, then, well, you are a lazy person that doesn't really deserve to know what happened at the event you were too busy to attend. Luckily, though, there exist a large number of people willing to crudely hash out their interpretation of events at lightning quick speeds in the form of real time blogs.

Here's a live blog done by someone somewhat affiliated with the New York Times: http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/20/live-blog-the-inauguration-of-barack-obama/

Now you can know everything the blogger's colleagues said before during and after the inauguration today. Who needs friends when you can listen to terribly told stories and anecdotes from complete strangers?!

A New Day, Maybe A New Tom

This morning, a historic event took place. With the new president officially in office, the swell of public optimism and murmurings of change will finally break the surface, creating a wave of opportunity and self improvement upon which we can all surf to a more promising future on the vaguely visible beach before us.

Personally, I set my alarm today despite being completely unemployed and having nothing to wake up to except for a home visit by the Geek Squad scheduled sometime between noon and 5:00. I ran on a treadmill for a bit, ate some oatmeal, and cried along with millions of others as Aretha Franklin and Yo-Yo Ma provided their musical interpretations of the days to come. (I would have liked to see a guest appearance by Yo Ma Ma, but I guess Larry Johnson's time in the public spotlight has indeed ended since the expiration of his Converse deal....if only hipsters existed then)

It seems like this is a good time to make a handful of resolutions that I will forget within the next 24 hours. They will include: drink 8 glasses of water a day, use less toilet paper, moisturize my elbows more often, and get started on my line of luxury human breast milk cheeses to be sold at Dean & Deluca next to the stem cell sausages I plan on making pending government approval.

Does this sound ambitious? Maybe, but as I become ever more comfortable with the leniency that an unemployed lifestyle affords me, my mind strays and creates for itself an ever lengthening list of unrealistic goals and moneymaking schemes to go unfulfilled and unrealized.

I also plan on beginning a training program in Krav Maga, the Israeli combat technique that will surely make me an indispensable member of any office team. If this skill isn't enough to get me hired by an influential environmental organization then I don't know what is. Having said that, I would like to preemptively thank President Obama for the kabillions of jobs he will undoubtedly create in the environmental field, and would like to offer my assistance to his new administration both with my unprecedented mental capacity to perform the most repetitive and uninteresting administrative tasks and my soon to exist physical capacity to crush an armed or unarmed opponent to the very molecules that allow his or her (Krav Maga does not acknowledge the existence of social norms or chivalry) body to function on our planet.

Sunday 18 January 2009

Relationships of Inconvenience.



So, I've been known to be a fairly picky suitor. It's not that I'm a superficial jackass or anything, but rather, I prefer convenience and a handful of other mildly meaningless traits. I appreciate it when people speak in an audible volume, but not so loudly as to raise aggression when within the confines of a public transport vehicle. There's also a soft spot in my heart for people that wear clothing appropriate with the outdoor temperature (they never need to borrow a scarf and they're never covered in nonathletic sweat spots.

I understand that some of the above may be seen as completely ridiculous and that there is most likely an element of self-sabotage in there somewhere, but this next one is totally important. Globalization has taken the world hostage. It's impossible to avoid communication anymore what with the cell phone always in the front right pocket and the g-chat messaging center always glaring at you in the lower left corner of the computer screen. Face to face communication barely exists anymore (I don't think I've physically spoken to a person not employed by Jimmy John's in like a week - hold on, I've been calling my order in at Jimmy John's).

The importance, then, of geographic proximity to a new friend or potential love interest is absurdly important. Too close and the whole thing good go aflame in an inferno of smothering attention. Too far apart and, well, someone will end up spending way too much money on tracking across the city while the other one is forced to become increasingly creative in their "I'm busy tonight" excuse making. Old friends, fine, regardless of where you go, some sort of relationship will persist into the future. I think, though, I'm going to create some stipulations on new friendships and relationships.

1) I think I'm only willing to travel by car if it's a direct route..between Division and North, or between Halsted and Clark...I guess it can also be within a block or two of Clybourne which adds a bit of diagonal leniency.

2) Within 5 stops of the Division and Clark Redline stop. I say 5 stops now because I'm between books, once I get a new one I'll be willing to extend my train riding a bit more.

3) If you live on the 3rd floor or higher, your elevator must be in good working order.

4) All of the above rules will become void upon evidence of the existence of a La Bamba's or equally delicious taqueria within a reasonable radius of your home.

Sunday 11 January 2009

The End of Brunch... Or Is It Just The Begining?

Chicago is the city of big shoulders, right? A place to go if you want lakefront wind to rip the skin off your body or if you want to eat a Polish Sausage the size of an Eastern European newborn. It's also a nice place to get shot, mugged, and/or carjacked. That's the Chicago my father warned me about as a child. "Make your eyes 4," he would say, which I guess was his way of telling me to be twice as careful as normal. Now, though, by "making my eyes 4" I end up just seeing twice as many frickin brunch restaurants with monosyllabic names than I otherwise would. The Monsters of the Midway have embraced brunch, and I think that these times of economic misery will challenge brunch, either wiping it from the Midwestern menu, or engraving it's existence in the souls of all its followers.

Brunch sort of makes sense sometimes. Say you stay out late on a Friday night. You wake up next to a stranger in a strange place or on a couch opposite your best friend. Either way, you need something safe. You need to go to a comfortable place with hints of womb-like ambiance in the form of smooth jazz, maple syrup, complex compotes, expensive refills, and the alluring draw of menu items accompanied by home fries for no extra charge. I understand why brunch became popular. Some people wake up early, some wake up late. Some have headaches or sore muscles from the previous night's antics, and some are anxious to begin their laundry list of laundry related tasks for the day. In any case, caloric consumption is absolutely necessary, and brunch offers it for a reasonable price.

The reason that these socially unifying establishments could either sink or fly (sink or swim is too obvious, what's the other option? treading water?) during times of recession revolves around our perception of what exactly they are, and what they offer us. For many, brunch is an exciting event to be experienced and shared between friends. Brag about your baby's ability to count, suggest your superior economic status by ordering Eggs Benedict or a Mimosa, or exaggerate your slightly romantic experience from the night before. Brunch, in these cases, is like an expensive watch. It's something you don't really need because you already have a cell phone to tell you what time it is, but that you have as an indulgence and as a way to tell the world, "Check it out! I have multiple time pieces on my person! ASK ME WHAT TIME IT IS!!! I DARE YOU!!!!".

If you go to brunch because of the above, then economic hardship will surely ruin the industry. It will become harder and harder to buy several mimosas if that money is being taken out of your dog's weekly grooming budget, or from the money set aside for your baby's formula. If, however, you're like me and go to brunch only because participating in the event makes it socially acceptable to skip a meal and thus save a good $5 without raising anorexic suspicion, then, well, the brunch business may be about to explode.

For $10 I can get plenty of coffee, a handful of eggs, some chopped vegetables, maybe even some cheese, breakfast meats or a facon type product, toast, potatoes, water, syrup, ketchup, Tabasco.....the list goes on. If I wake up late enough and draw out the experience long enough (as I am doing at this very moment by blogging between bites) I can fool my body and my company into believing that I've actually just finished my second meal of the day.

The debate about the future of brunch will likely go on into the distant future. Our grandchildren will either have the option of eating Micky Mouse pancakes right next to Macaroni and Cheese, or they will be seeing dramatizations of the archaic meal performed by aspiring thespians on late night Food Network dramas. Either way, brunch is here now, and how we approach it conceptually will most likely determine its fate. Are we a people who look to impress through public consumption, or are we deal seeking misers trying to stretch our buck down the street and back.