A New Day, Maybe A New Tom

This morning, a historic event took place. With the new president officially in office, the swell of public optimism and murmurings of change will finally break the surface, creating a wave of opportunity and self improvement upon which we can all surf to a more promising future on the vaguely visible beach before us.

Personally, I set my alarm today despite being completely unemployed and having nothing to wake up to except for a home visit by the Geek Squad scheduled sometime between noon and 5:00. I ran on a treadmill for a bit, ate some oatmeal, and cried along with millions of others as Aretha Franklin and Yo-Yo Ma provided their musical interpretations of the days to come. (I would have liked to see a guest appearance by Yo Ma Ma, but I guess Larry Johnson's time in the public spotlight has indeed ended since the expiration of his Converse deal....if only hipsters existed then)

It seems like this is a good time to make a handful of resolutions that I will forget within the next 24 hours. They will include: drink 8 glasses of water a day, use less toilet paper, moisturize my elbows more often, and get started on my line of luxury human breast milk cheeses to be sold at Dean & Deluca next to the stem cell sausages I plan on making pending government approval.

Does this sound ambitious? Maybe, but as I become ever more comfortable with the leniency that an unemployed lifestyle affords me, my mind strays and creates for itself an ever lengthening list of unrealistic goals and moneymaking schemes to go unfulfilled and unrealized.

I also plan on beginning a training program in Krav Maga, the Israeli combat technique that will surely make me an indispensable member of any office team. If this skill isn't enough to get me hired by an influential environmental organization then I don't know what is. Having said that, I would like to preemptively thank President Obama for the kabillions of jobs he will undoubtedly create in the environmental field, and would like to offer my assistance to his new administration both with my unprecedented mental capacity to perform the most repetitive and uninteresting administrative tasks and my soon to exist physical capacity to crush an armed or unarmed opponent to the very molecules that allow his or her (Krav Maga does not acknowledge the existence of social norms or chivalry) body to function on our planet.