Happy Pi Day

So, to most of you heavy drinkers, today is just the day 3 days before St. Patrick's Day. Personally, I'll be celebrating St. Patrick's Day with some Shamrock Vodka Shake, but that's beside the point. Today is a much more important day. The only day, in fact, at least that I can think of, that is universally celebrated. It doesn't matter what country you're from, or what religion you practice, or pretend to practice, you have to believe in today.

It's March 14th, Pi Day. Pi, as wikipedia tells us, is the mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter. That right there is NUTS! Every year Pi Day reminds me how remarkable Pi actually is. Most importantly, however, is the fact that it gives me a day to make a delightfully punny pie! It's apple. Funny enough, nothing good for pie making is in season during Pi Day.

One More Thing...

I think YAZ's marketing team is targeting me. Seriously, I like all the activities commonly depicted in YAZ commercials: getting my hair cut, drinking martinis, buying clothes. The fact that the commercials show birth control-seeking vixens participating in those activities makes me like them even more. I think I have to stop watching Mercy.

Am I Actually On The Hook?

I just watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother because, well, it's 8:45 on a Saturday night, and, no, of course I don't have anything better to do. The episode was about how Ted had been hooked by guest star, Carrie Underwood. The term 'hook' apparently refers to a situation in which the 'hook-ee' greatly wants a relationship with the 'hook-er'. The 'hook-er', in turn, 'hooks' the 'hook-ee' by implying that, while a current romantic relationship is out the question, a future romantic relationship is possible, even likely.


I know I've been hooked at least once, and maybe I'm still on that hook (you know who you are...I don't think you read this...so I'll say chicken soup, ice cream, and cake...if you read this, you'll know who you are and anyone that knows you will likely know I'm talking about you). I have been and likely am on more hooks, I'm sure. I give away too many baked goods, buy too many rounds, send too many e-cards, and am a date to too many weddings to not currently be completely hooked by a handful of hook-ers. In most of these cases, I understand that I may not have been hooked due to the angler's skill, but rather due to my nearly masochistic insistence on scarfing the lure.

The thing is: life on the hook is unfortunately satisfying.

I reckon I probably enjoy being on the hook more than being in a real, hook-free, relationship. That element of anxious anticipation that the hook provides is sort of like the clear plastic cover on the screen of a new i-pod. You know it would be better to remove the plastic cover, but the risk involved is just too great. In hopping off the hook, the hook-ee has to either: (1) confront the hook-er once and for all, no means no, and yes means awesome, albeit nearly absolutely unlikely, or (2) slip away, accepting permanent rejection. So, what's the solution? Do I stop trying to meet the demands of all the hook-ers in my life? No. Of course not. After all, we're just not together right now. We might start something great...later...maybe.

Aw, man.

no no no YOU chill out

Maybe I'm a jerk, but you show me someone typically described as being really "chill" or totally "laid back", and I'll show you someone I'd rather swim across Lake Michigan than meet. Both (1. swimming across the lake, and 2. being in the presence of a laid back person) are unbelievably painful. Both are only endurable in so far as you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the spirit of Casimir Pulaski, I'm begging all of you "chill" people to get a personality. Jot some notes down before talking to me. Pick some conversation topics. Something from the news, I don't care. Make up a story and tell it in the first person. Lie to me. I really don't care. Casimir Pulaski didn't help any laid back people through a conversation. He didn't fill the awkward silences with banter. No, if Casimir realized you weren't going to be an active member of society, he sure as hell wasn't going to offer you a slice of his interesting pie. And as a new rule, I don't do anything that Casimir wouldn't do.*

Happy Casimir Pulaski Day!

*This does not mean that I would do everything that Casimir did. The Revolutionary War does not sound like it was fun. On second thought, I think I would go to war if I were certain that, if I did, tiny little Illini in the future would get an extra Monday off of school.

Julia Child, Get Out Of My Dreams, And Stay The Hell Away From My Car

The other night I had a dream. I'm not exactly sure what this dream meant, but I do know that it was creepy, and that it ruined my relationship with Julia Child.

So, in this dream, I walked into a bakery. The reason I walked into the bakery was to order a coffee from a cute girl that worked at the bakery. the girl may or may not have been loosely based on the girl at the deli counter at the grocery store I go to. I've never had a reason to get anything at the deli counter, but one day, when I walked by said counter, the girl on whom I crush made fun of my flannel to one of her coworkers. Adorable, the making fun of flannel, even if it's one I happen to be wearing.

Anyway, back to the dream. The girl is behind the counter, looks like she's closing up the bakery for the day. I order my coffee, we make some quick banter, then Julia Child comes out of the back room and told the girl to go clean up the kitchen. How dare Julia Child order my girl around like that! Anyway, Julia started chatting me up in that gobble gobble sort of way she talks. It seemed like it was taking her forever to get me my coffee. She started asking me if I like various types of pastries. I liked most of them. She demanded I take some of them from her store. Apparently she was throwing them all out and they'd be of no use to her if they remained after I left. Who am I to turn down some sweets made by Julia? I'm no one to be turning down sweets made by Julia. I took the sweets. She gave me my coffee. She charged me $38.24.

She charged me for all of the sweets. The girl didn't come back out of the kitchen. I woke up and went to work. Great start.

500 Days of Are You Freaking Kidding ME?

So, I did one of those things on the list of things I was told to by no means ever do. No, I didn't watch TV during a thunderstorm, nor did I sleep with a fan blowing near my neck, and no I didn't have fried macaroni and cheese balls dipped in ranch dressing. I did probably the most internally apocalyptic thing on that list: I watched 500 Days of Summer.

I know, this is really lame and would certainly serve as fodder for countless emasculating jokes if there were anyone in my geographic vicinity to craft said jokes, but real talk (see previous post for clarification) this was a roller coaster. Like a boyscout sent into the wilderness with a couple merit badges and a Nalgene bottle, I was completely unprepared for the story that just unfolded.

Dude falls in love with no other than Zooey. Zooey reciprocates emotion albeit in a "casual" disguise. The pair goes to IKEA. They don't even seem to buy anything. They eat pancakes. Are you kidding me? They make whimsical lists on a wall covered in chalkboard paint. They sit in an ugly park with an ugly view. They did things that, if done alone, make one seem either manic or depressed or otherwise completely insane (I mean, pancakes?).

He worked for a greeting card company? He wore skinny ties? He took little tiny coincidences entirely to seriously, assigning to them the gravity typically reserved for a mass of locusts hovering over all known civilization? His name was Tom? This is ridiculous. Merely days after I became overly infatuated with an unsuspecting woman while vacuuming my car solely due to the fact that she also shared an appreciation for automotive tidiness that which she demonstrated while throwing away old receipts from her car while waiting to use the vacuum that I had, at the time, been using, I run into this strikingly similar fool who lost his love to a d-bag that happened to ask her what book she was reading in a freaking cafe?

I'm not really that devastated. I just really want to go to IKEA, and not buy anything. I think I'll now most certainly be ending my evening with this delightfully melancholy XX album and a coconut butterscotch chip cookie. Just one, because there's only one left. Sorry.

New Era In Verbal Economics

This year has started off with spark as I discovered an amazing contribution to the field of verbal economics from a little known expert in the field.

Kelley, R. 2007. "Real Talk." Double Up. Jive/Zomba Records. May 29.

Little did he know, but R. Kelly was on to something truly provocative when he decided to throw away all past societal norms and combine the words Real and Talk, to create a stunning, two-syllable affirmation of or inquiry regarding a previously said statement. Up till now, we've been saying things like, "seriously", or the tremendously outdated and embarrassing (yet equally verbally frugal), "for real". Now with only two syllables, we can question the validity of a statement said by one of are peers with a simple, "real talk?". Or we can wipe away any doubt in a listeners' minds and affirm our previous statement by following it with an explosive "real talk!". If one is expressing a particularly fervent belief, he or she may go one step further in affirming their statement with a , "Real Talk, *insert expletive*".

Enough talk, I'll let the literature speak for itself. I present to you R. Kelly.



p.s. I know this came out in 2007, and that I am way too late to make fun of this without feeling completely out of touch with popular culture, but whatever, happy 2010. Also, the grammar required to write this post was particularly difficult. Referring to phrases and adding question marks in the middle of sentences? It's hard, and I dare you to try doing it right. Real talk.

January at the Y

Over the past few years, I think I've developed the traits and habits required to be completely judgemental of the miserable transformation that has occurred at the local YMCA. Since October, I've given up on the outdoors and have focused my athletic prowess on the treadmills and weight machines down the street at the Y (with the help of my boss's family pass, of course). I've been running somewhat regularly for the past few year. Not far by any means, a couple miles, just long enough to completely saturate myself in vegetarian sweat, and just far enough to sprint past a couple of over confident d-bags who for some reason insist on running with their girlfriends who tend to be in much better shape. I'm pretty sure my main reason for running in the first place was to be seen running. That, and to have an excuse to take a second shower in the day, the one I love the most but would otherwise feel too guilty to take in fear that the water meter reader would raise an eyebrow in judgement.

While running, I'm sure a couple calories were burned, and I know I can handle a flight of stairs with a bit more grace. The point is, my running is neither health-based nor competition-based. I don't do it to fit into my skinny jeans (my ass is too small and feet too big to ever feel publicly acceptable in a pair of those) and I don't do it to look like some sort of famous person. I don't even like running, really. It's just something I do, I have the shoes, I have the shorts, the sweatband, the playlist, the time...why not put them to use?

I describe my own reasons for fitness to demonstrate why all of the people that are now at the Y in January, probably won't be in February. They've all made silly little resolutions to themselves. Some have Keira Knightley in their dreams (either to look like her, or to bed her). Others may want to postpone their future heart disease, or get their diabetes in check. Some post-birth stretch marks may serve as inspiration, or maybe it was the ridiculous number of absolutely terrible NFL teams this year that has motivated some surely to be disappointed loyal fans to try out for their local clubs. Regardless of the specific reasons enticing so many people to join the gym this January, there is a common theme. They're all doing it for stupid reasons. They'll give up soon enough. After all, it shouldn't take long for one to realize that they won't be dating Keira soon (I mean, just watch Love Actually a couple times, she's in love, man, and despite whatever theatrical stunts you may try to pull, she's not leaving your best friend for you!).

I'm all for these resolutioners to get fit (at the end of the day, with health reform, it'll be my ass that'll be paying for their hospital bills) but can't they go before work? I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the November Y. The one with the old hippie who wore high thick socks and walked on an incline for seemingly ever. The one with the old Asian lady that moved her arms in jerks with 2.5 lb weights in each hand. The Y with the younger guy that would watch the Asian lady while slowly pedalling a bicycle. This is the YMCA I miss. The one full of people that just go because they go, because it's a stupid routine they've picked up along the way. There is no over exertion in the November YMCA. No one is sweating too much, no one is spotting anyone, no one is (god forbid) using multiple cardio machines in a single workout.

By mid-February, I think (I hope) this riduculousness will end. Valentine's day will come and go and the semi-dedicated resolutioners will realize that their loved ones still love them, and that the ones they hope will love them are still beyond their reach. Then, in February, I'll have my Y back.

The New Most Interesting Man In The World

You know what? F Dos Equis. Their so called "most interesting man in the world" is no more than a really lame animal in sheep's clothing. (Is that a phrase?). Jonathan Goldsmith is the guy in the commercial. You may know him from a couple of episodes of Murder She Wrote. He also played Jack in an episode of MacGyver. At the end of the day, though, this guy knows nothing about spelunking, nor does he play jai alai as the commercials may lead you to believe.

B.J. Novak, on the other hand, is truly remarkable. For starters, he plays a relatively minor role on The Office every Thursday night. One night of work a week isn't enough to keep this guy satisfied, though. B.J. has taken on the pen name of Aaron Rodgers. On most Sundays, and every once in a while on a Monday, he leads the Green Bay Packers to battle. I'm watching him play right now, actually. He's really good. As if that wasn't enough, the guy gets on a plain and flies to France to finish up the week as that pesky French President, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Alright, I know they're not the same person, but seriously, they're freaking identical!

Yeah, actually, now that I look at it, they don't look alike at all. Sorry for wasting your time.

Thanksgiving is in the Air. . . Or Maybe the Dog Just Has Gas

So, I'm not exactly sure why I'm so worried this year, but I am taking a proactive approach to Thanksgiving. I'm actually practicing recipes. Thing is, I never really keep track of what I do each time I make something, so the whole practice element is sort of lost in the process. I end up just eating Thanksgiving sides for several weeks leading up to the big day.

Well anyway...today I made jalapeno cheddar cornbread cupcakes with avocado garlic frosting. I tried this last year for my birthday and they were miserable. This time, though, they're frickin' adorable and tasty as a June snow cone.

Next up, Spanakopita.

Also, if you really want to get into the autumn spirit, check out this McSweeney post.

Part V: The Massive Let Down

Received:
Tom hello again ,I am here after my visit to the consulate and to the agency I am so happy to say we will meet in few days!!!! I am really lucky girl to meet you. Honey the thing is that everything is ready and I have to leave moscow on Saturday but I have a little problem and I really hope you will be able to help me. You see I never expected I will ask you for such help but I have nothing else to do. You know my mum promised to send me money for tickets by western union as soon as I will find out prices but she was told on her work that because of economic crisis she will receive all the money she saved from every months salary only in a few months. So that is why she can`t send me all the sum for tickets now and she was able to send only 200$ I have got it today.I can`t delay my flight because all my documents are arranged on exact dates..

Tom I wanted to ask you to help me to pay for my tickets directly but I was told in travel agency I can't use your help or ask you about sending me tickets or ordering electronic ones because I have a permission to use the help of the travel agency only. Your see its business of travel agency to arrange all travel things for my trip, such is the law.If I will but ticket by myself, I won`t be able to use my work visa. so you can`t send me tickets. I`m sure my mom will help me but she needs more time and I can`t wait so long because I need to buy tickets till my flight date. I was in the bank to try to ask them a loan but they said I need to have registration in Moscow to get a loan from their bank and I don't have it! I know I`m asking you for very big but maybe it will be possible for you to help me. You are my last hope and I have nothing else to do. If I will not buy tickets my visa will be canceled and it will be forbidden for me to apply for visa again for next 8 months. I have only about 150 dollars that I expected to take with me for the first time and plus 200$ mom sent so if you will help me with 950$ I will have enough to buy tickets and have some extra money for travel needs. I know its a big sum of money ,but please try to help me and I promise I will return you money back after my first salary or as soon as my mom will send it , as she promised. I will cross my fingers hoping for your help because I want to meet you so much!!!!! I will be waiting for your answer!!!

I will be here in late evening and please don't worry if I can't answer immideatelly I have too much to do. Tom make a transfer by western union, I have got transfer from mom and have all the info for it and it was so easy to get.Only show my passport. You should know my rent address here is 21/56 Azina street, Moscow, Russia.128544 Remember my full name is Anastasiya- (first name). Ranneva -(last name, its the right writing in transliteration from russian, I was told it by manager in travel agency). and you should put it on western union list and you can choose any bank in moscow,so I can pick up the money at any bank of moscow. and nearest bank with western union office here is - name of the bank - SOFRINO,streetOZERKOVSKAYA NABEREZHNAYA, 12; city-Moscow, postal code -113184; phone number --- +7-495-9537712 it will be safe to use western union transfer because I need to have passport to receive it!And please after you complete transfer write me the number of the transfer, P.S. I`m so sorry I asked you for such help, but you see you are my last hope and now my only wish is to meet you. I want to start a new life and I`m sure we can spend so many happy days and probably nights together!
Please try to help me with the sum and in one month I will return you money back!!

P.S.Tom dear I am not sure I should tell this but I want to let you know if you don't like me when I come I will not bother you and it is only your choice to spend time with me or not. I know you may be too busy or just meet different woman but in any case I will return the money back. I will have a room for rent if I want, a job and I want to say please don't worry I don't want to use you just to reach my goal. I am sure when we meet we will have no regrets about it, Tom I promise. I dream about our first meeting, our first night .............I think everything depends on you! please, honey, don't leave me alone I've done so much to start this trip and I don't want to give up.and as always forger about important thing,please tell me your full name I mean right writing because when I was getting mom's transfer they asked about full name of the sender,not only my name!it is the law!

Sent:
Hey Anastasia!

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and how her work is refusing to pay for her and how this all left you in a jam. I'm a software engineer (make lot of money) so sending you what you need is no problem at all...especially considering how much I want for you to come live with me. I made the transfer through western union to the bank you told me to (Sofrino bank i think it is called). the transfer number is 0255472289.

I hope this works! Let me know if you run into any more problems!

See you soon!

Jimmy (really, call me Jimmy, only my grandmother calls me tom).

[[fyi - that is a completely made up transfer number. It has the right number of digits, bit I totally made it up]]

Received:
Jimmy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you sooooooooo much you are helping me!!!! You made me very excited and I am very thankful to you!!!

Jimmy I was in western union office but manager told me it was no transfer from you so pls send me a copy of receipt ok?? I can't wait to meet you! My heart beats so fast now! Today I will go to see some more sightseeings, I'm having very good time here but I'm sure when I come to you we will have simply great time together!!!! I can't wait to get to know you better!!! Do you like massage? I can make very good massage!!!! I will make it for you if you want, let me know!!!! You are the best man I've ever met (or almost met) and there are no such great man in Russia. You are so far away and so close to me...You are in another country and right in my heart.... Oh... I became a little sad because you are not with me now... I will try to smile for you!!! I know soon the day of our meeting will come and I will be able to hug you!!!!!!!!!! Isn't it great? I think so! I have a good feeling we will like each other. I think it's just a voice of women's intuition inside me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please trust my voice!!!!!

I'm sending you a kiss by the wind and I hope you will receive it!

[[At this point, I sort of planned on strining her/him along for a while, sending fake transfer numbers to banks further and further outside of Moscow. I started getting a bit worried about my future as it might cease to exist if I ever did decide to travel to Russia and happen upon the wrong street. With this in mind, I came up with the perfect ending.]]

Sent:
Hi Anastasiya,

This is Emily. I am Jimmy's wife, and I check his e-mail. I don't know who the fuck you are, but my husband was about to send you $950! I saw the receipt from Western Union in the car and I canceled the transfer, so no there is no fucking money for you today. And no, you are not stealing my man from me!

Stay the FUCK away from my husband!

Received:
Hello ! Honey, I`m so sorry I asked you to help me with tickets. I really didn`t expect I will ask you for such help. I thought my mum will send me money to moscow so I would have enough. But the last minute she told she is enable to help, she has problems on her work. you see I can`t delay my flight because all my documents are arranged on exact dates and if my flight will be canceled I won`t be able to apply for visa for next 4 years.. Oh I just can`t stop crying.. Pls help me and I promise I will return you money back in 1 or 2 month, my mum will send it to us! And also I will start to work as soon as I will arrive. I never lied to you and always told you truth. I promise I will never hurt you. If you will help me, I will fly to you on Saturday and we will spend really great time together!!!

I can`t change it on another day, so I have a little time to buy tickets. I'm not going to solicit the money from you... I thought it will be possible for me to come to you and be yours... You have captivated my poor heart and I just don't know how you've done it. I'm still desperately want to see you!

Honey if it was possible to send me tickets I would have asked you to do that. I checked all ways and that's not possible. you see if I won`t buy ticket my flight will be canceled and I won`t be able to apply for visa for next 4 years.. I'm so sad now, so sad that I don't want to live. I want to fall asleep and don't get up one more month! Please don't think Oh, why I met that Russian girl in Internet, she promised a lot and never done it. I really wanted to come to you but you know I've never travelled so far away and I was not smart enough to set up all things for my trip. I still feel I need you in my life so much. I pray it will be possible for you to help me somehow. No one here can help me, I feel myself so alone.. I asked all my friends and realtived but no one can give me money even for a few days. My mum will send me more money just in 1 month and I need to buy tickets till Saturday or my flight will be canceled.. I so hope it will be possible for you to help me somehow. Pls make a transfer on my name and I promise I will fly to you on Saturday and finally kiss you!! I`m waiting for your answer!

Your girlfriend
Anastasiya

Sent:
Anastasiya,

It's me again, Emily, Jimmy's wife. I'm not entirely sure what the fuck you didn't understand in my last email, but i'm going to ask you one last time to stay the fuck away from my husband. DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?!?! i don't care whether or not you come to america. if you do, great, congratulations, but you sure as fuck aren't staying with my husband. you're not giving him massages, you certainly aren't his girlfriend. We have a three year old son for christ's sake. he's not leaving me. Find another way into the country!

DON'T FUCKING REPLY!!!
Emily.

[[Moral of the story: If you see fire, go ahead and play with it a bit, but make sure you don't get your hair too close because you'll just end up with a stinky mess. Thanks for reading.]]

Part IV: Just Beg Me For Money Already!!

I have to say, this scammer has some persistence. Sending me the same messages over and over about massages and living together and what not. Despite my hardest attempts to appear completely baited and completely willing to send ridiculous amounts of money over the Pacific to a complete stranger, Anastasiya finds it necessary to woo me some more.

Received:
Hello Tom! as always I am glad to see your letter and do hope that you have the same feelings when you see mine!!!!!to be fair I think I'm a lucky girl to meet such good man as you in Internet world! I hope I will be lucky enough to meet you in the real life soon!

Yesterday I told my mom about you. She said that now she doesn`t worry about me as before she sees that I have met right man!I want you to know that it is our with mom decision to leave russia,my mom spent a lot of years here and she was so beautiful (now too) and she has nothing now,and she tells me that I have to leave here as soon as possible I am not too young and 27 is enough old for women here and i do hope I will be able to meet my dreams there and I am not afraid to work I am afraid to be lose here and spend all my life without any result of my hard work I worked in some clubs and everything was all right but now nobody here has money and they can't pay for my work and I have not money to keep my body and face,you know everything costs money and I have to buy a lot of cosmetic to keep my skin and hair because it is all I have (of course I have kind soul but to be fair nobody here has interest to my soul) they all want to use my body,sorry if it sounds rude but it is the truth!

I told my friends about you and everybody said they will cross one's fingers for us and they hope you are a good man and we will like each other! to be fair I feel myself so sad... I will miss my work ... I almost cry now... anyway I don't want to make any steps back and I want to continue my arrangements. Tom please forgive me but today I have not time to write long letter again, Tom you should know that after sending this email I will go home, take my packed bags and fly to Moscow! I`m really afraid to fly on a plane! I hope my plane will not fall down! It is several hours from here to Moscow. Tom I have been to Moscow before but it was a few years ago and I only remember that it is very huge and voice city with a lot of people with crazy eyes!and I'm so nervous now...Tom You know... I had such great desire to start my trip already.. and now I feel myself like a newborn kitten who has even didn't open it's eyes... I just want to hug my mom and don't want to go anywhere...but I know that's my dream to start a new life and I will try to turn in to reality! Soon you will hear some news from me from Moscow!!!!!!!I do hope you are really kind man and will not make me sad!??!!?!?!right!??!?I think I look enough pretty to make your friends envy,how do you think????I`m so exited we will meet soon! I will be able to find a work so I will not have money problems. I took all my diplomas and dresses but don't worry it is only one suitcase. You know I sent documents for visa to moscow about 2 months ago, so when I will arrive to moscow my visa will be already ready!!well,I have to run,I think I will be able to send letter from moscow tomorrow but if not please don't worry I m not sure how long I will need time to find rent room and cyber cafe.Please wait for me and don't look at different girls,you know I am the best!!!(joke).and please forgive me that every time I have not time to answer on your questions but when we meet we will have a lot of time to talk and you will know all about me then!
Kiss-Kiss from Anastasiya.

Sent:

Hi Anastasiya!

I'm getting so excited! I'm sorry you have to leave home and say bye to your mom. I'm sure that's hard for you. But you both know that you are walking (or flying in, i guess) to something better. I'm glad to hear that you've brought your dresses, you're lovely, you don't have to worry about looking pretty here, from what I see, you are much more beautiful than all american women. It's good to know that your mom and friends approve of me, even though they hardly know anything about me!

Safe travels to Moscow, and I hope to chat with you soon. Let me know if you need anything or if I can help you out with any of the stuff you're dealing with no about your travels.

See you soon!
Jimmy (really, call me Jimmy, it's what everyone calls me).

Received:
Hey my dear Tom , can you believe I am here in moscow,what is the great city it is!!! You can't imagine how happy I am because I am on the way!I still cannot believe I've done it! WoW! As I wrote you I was scared to fly on the plane but everything was OK and I'm still alive !!!!the people from agency did help me to found a place to stay, I rent a room from an old woman.The hotels here are very expensive and I think I am not princess to spend money to live in hotel where the room costs about 150-200$ a day! Very expensive city,people here tell me that it is the first city in the world to pay for everything! the lady where I rent room is about 70 years old. She said I have to be very careful. By the way, one more thing about my trip.

Agency will help me to rent a room to stay near my future work in your area. And I have a question,is it O.K. if we will like each other may be it is possible to live together?I think it could be more funny than to live alone in rent room!?!??!??!of course if you don't mind and of course if we like each other from first time!!!As you know I will stay there for several months and if I want I will be able to prolong my stay there.now I miss my family... but I'm getting better with every hour . Tom, please write me as soon as possible!

See you soon!Big kiss from moscow!!I will write again soon!I think that today I will send all the info about my flight schedule and all travel things!people from agency have told that everything is ready and I will get all the info today and I am waiting for the letter from my mom,she promised to send as soon as she can!well,I will close this letter, I have so strange feeling that I know you for many years and I have never met you before but I am so sure that everything will be all right between us and I even have hope that maybe we will have more than just meeting and spend time ,maybe something waits for us in future,you know I am very romantic and as any woman I want to meet the man from my child dreams!O.k .Let,s meet before!!!!! and some funny pictures for you I have found in cyber world,and I have a few pictures of me from my family album but I can't send it from here because different rules here and manager promised to help me to send them today!
See you soon,
Anastasiya.

Part V is coming soon. It's the last chapter. Savor it while you can.

Part III: Persistent Perestroika

So...I'm obviously being recruited by some creepy dude. He's trying to get me to fall in love with a fictitious Russian woman with miserable English and really nothing to offer me that I really want. If she were, for example, to mention that she was bringing her X-Box, or maybe a bundt pan in some cool shape, or a bread machine, or an ice cream maker, then I'd probably be in. I'd be willing to fall for this. Well, she/he didn't offer any of these, but I was bored, so I kept it going. HOLD TIGHT!!!

Received:
Tom Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please forgive that my letter is so short today but I don't have enough time to write a long email today I'm in a hurry.... Please write me the name of the closest Airport to you (possibly International) and the code (if you know ,For example the closest inter Airport to me is Irkutsk and it's code is (IIA). I already started to pack my things and I want to start my trip ,so I will go to Moscow from Irkutsk. I have so many worries and I'm so afraid to start everything but if I don't start it now I will never do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will go to airlines office now and will buy a tickets to Moscow, its very expensive, but I have some savings so I have money to pay for plane ticket to moscow and to pay for renting room in moscow. As soon as I will arrive to Moscow, I will finish my documents to travel, as work permission, medical insurance etc.Tom when I am in Moscow I will buy ticket to your airport. I know it will not be cheap, but my mother will receive a salary for last 6 months (her work detained wages) and will send me money to Moscow .and about one important thing,do you agree that good sex is quite important for successful relationship? I like sex but at first I have to be sure that I have feelings because just sex without feelings is not so hot and tender,I thihk so.please how you see this thing? Tom I think that if we will be together we will have a lot of fun because we both are enoug old to understad that all the things ending in the bed!!!!and we will have hot feelings I am sure!do you have big bed for us,some kind of the joke!but like they tell here there is some truth in every joke!Sorry I am a little fantasy today!Tom now I know you little more and I think we should tell about all the things and be sure that we want the same things!!!

Talk to you later!
Anastasiya,kiss you in virtual space if you don't mind! !!!!

Sent:
Hi Anastasiya!

This is all happening so fast. I'm really excited! I live about 20 minutes from San Francisco International Airport (SFO). I have some extra time off from work, so I can take the day off when you arrive and I can show you around the city and get you accustomed to the American way of life!

Sorry, I'm really busy at work today, so I can't write much more. But I am really really excited! Let me know if you need any help with anything between Moscow and San Francisco. I talked to my friends that own a disco down the street. They say they need to hire some cute girls to serve drinks. They're keeping a position for you, so hurry up!

See you soon!
Jimmy
(my friends actually call me jimmy, it's sort of a long story, but it is what it is).

[[I was also getting a bit nervous about this scam artist knowing my email address and what not, so I began trying to ween him off my name...I assumed a new identity Jimmy Soliss]]

Part IV is coming soon...tomorrow actually...probably.

Part 2: From Russia, With Love

I should start with some commentary. I ran into this girl on match.com. She looked completely normal. She had normal things in her profile. She liked racquetball. She had just finished a book that, while I had never heard of the title or the author, sounded reasonably interesting/normal. She was holding a cat in her profile picture. I don't like cats, but this increasingly seems to be a trait I have to change in order to convince a woman to enjoy my presence. I'm not saying that I started making wedding plans or anything, but I was certainly filled with a bit of joy that she (it could've been anyone really) sent me a message.

Anyway, without further ado (is that really a word? is it a do? uhdoo? oh well) I bring you the next segment.

Received:
Hello !!!!
my name is Anastasiya! I have seen your profile on Match.com and I liked it.I'm not sure what write for the first time, I think that at first you should see my photos and I'm sending my photos...I have some photos, to be fair I have many photos I like to take photos and I wanted to work as model and I can and like to dance a lot.I studied dance from 6 years old.you should know I'm looking forward to visiting your beautiful country and I would like to meet a man over there who will be interested in meeting me!I will work in any bar or restaraunt because it is my proffesion now and I am good waitress.My mom was abroad a few years ago,and she has told that I have to leave russia and try to live in civilazation country,she thinks that I am enough pretty to live here, I don't feel that I am beautiful like Hoolywood girls but not the worst variant,I think so. [[I still laugh when I think about that last sentence...hoolywood...HAHAHAHA!]]

I've never been abroad before and I would like to visit there so much! I'm looking for a friend, lover or maybe even something serious...I'm a free bird now, I don't have a boyfriend and I'm open to anything!!! Please if you have time and the wish to meet young lady please write me about yourself too!!!! I am looking just for a good man who can show me over there,I`m 27 years old, I hope my age is ok for you??I live in Russia.In small town in deep of Syberia. There is big enough city Irkutsk and many people work there ,there is not well paid job here.

I hope that you will write me back? I will wait for your answer. When I hear back from you I will write more things about myself and send more pics! and please some pictures from you ! and please forgive my broken english! Anastasiya.

PS: This is my personal e-mail address so please send a word to let me know if you want to continue correspondence, I will wait for your answer!!!

[[At this point, I realize that this is pretty obviously some sort of scam that I probably shouldn’t get involved in and hence, do not reply.]]

Received a Couple Days Later:
Hi its me again! I was waiting for a message from you, but you wrote nothing to me.. What is your name??? I really thought we can talk for a while and I want to know you better, maybe we have something in common! Pls send me a note, I hope to hear from you soon!!!!
Kisses, Anastasiya

[[At this point, I realize that this is most surely a scam that I cannot help but get involved in]]

Sent:
well anastasiya. i'm a bit confused. your original message said your name was shawna and that you were from cheshire, or. did i miss something?

Stay tuned for Part 3: Persistent Perestroika

Part I: The Courtship

Received:
Hi,Im Shawna, found your profile interrssting and wwould like to get to know you better.


Sent:
Honestly, I was about to write you a message, but you beat me to it. I totally don't remember what's on my profile, so, for the sake of not repeating myself, how about I tell you what I did with my day. I went to work (it was excellent, I just finished up a project, so now I get to go through old e-mails which is surprisingly fun). I came home, went for a run, stopped by the store to buy some butter and a couple heath bars. Watered the garden. I baked a couple dozen heath bar chocolate chip cookies for the couple down the street that found my temporarily lost dog the other day, and had a couple of pints of IPA out of a growler I got in Hood River this past weekend. Now I'll probably try to finish up a book I'm reading. It's not very good, I got it at the airport a couple of weeks ago. Impulse book buys can really go either way.
Anyway, on to you. What did you do with your day? Where's Cheshire? Are you from there? Is that your cat? I'm assuming it's your cat. It certainly can't be a stranger's cat. I guess it could be. I've learned my lesson too many times in putting unknown cats that close to my eyes.

cheers,
tom

p.s. the fact that you spelled racquetball properly in your profile is tremendous....


Received:
tsouhlas, i dont visit this site often these days. why dont you email me at dpdpoollivid@gmail.com . we can chat there and i will reply you with my private pics. cya


Sent:
Hey,
For some reason, I have a feeling that you may be trying to steal my identity. Regardless, here's the message I sent yesterday:
[[see previous sent item]]


Stay Tuned for Part II: From Russia With Love

The End of a Match.com Era

Well, friends, I'd like to say that my long departure from this blog was due to a series of unfathomably whimsical trysts full of seduction and rapture. Unfortunately, that would be a complete lie. I've spent most of my time watching prime time programming, vacuuming, and doing laundry.

Other than the one date I had with the canine-missing woman, I have had only one match.com experience. I will tell the story of this experience in a series of relatively short blog entries that will hopefully simulate a bear hug of enjoyment.

20s are the new 30s

Let's see. It's Friday again. I'm baking cookies again. I'm drinking from a growler (this is new). And I've rented another freakin' romcom from Blockbuster. Did I, like, turn into a 30 year-old woman sometime in the past few weeks?

1 More Thing I Would Probably Never Attempt

I know, I'm totally late on this. I've been listening to this Matt and Kim album a lot the past couple of weeks, but have just now taken the time to watch this video I've heard so much about. If you haven't seen it, HA, I'm unbelievably hipper than you. If you have seen it, well, I would have too, but my internet wasn't working, and I was really busy with work, and I had to do my laundry, and, well, whatever, stay on your high horse, it'll buck you off sooner or later.

The F-L Shimmy

Have you ever defecated in your pants? Right, me neither, but there are surely countless other, less messy, situations we've all been in that are completely embarrassing. I mean, I guess pooping yourself alone is slightly less embarrassing than pooping yourself in public, but it's still embarrassing. A tree that falls in a forest with no one around to hear it still makes a bit of noise, right? Anyway, most embarrassing situations are embarrassing because they happen in front of other people.

Some of you won't think this is embarrassing, but if you know anything about my insistence on correctness, then you'll bear with me a bit. When communicating with someone you are trying to impress, someone you do not want thinking you are a dumbass, it's typical to pay attention to every word they say. I tend to attempt soul crushing eye contact. I've developed an amazing ability to nod in a agreement, shake in disgust, and hmmmm in contemplation in just the right moments to make the speaker believe I am 157% aware and knowledgeable of everything going on. These subtle tools to success, however, shatter once confronted with what I will call the F-L Shimmy.

Most people don't encounter this feat of eloquent totalitarianism very often. I went decades without paying any attention to it. In fact, it wasn't til a couple of years ago that I finally developed a mnemonic device with which to remember it. Well, maybe it's not really a mnemonic device. Now that I think of it, I don't really need to do this trick to understand the F-L Shimmy. Regardless, now that I have you on the edge of your seat: the F-L Shimmy is what I call the act of a speaker describing two extremely complex things in tremendous detail, moving on to a slightly related topic, then backtracking to refer to those previously mentioned complex things as former and latter.

This most certainly happened to me this week. I was having a conversation with a person I certainly wanted to, needed to impress with my intellectual prowess. First off, I struggled through the swampy marsh created in the complex discussion of the two things my conversational partner was talking about. These two things appeared to share relatively little in common other than the fact that one was verbally expressed before the other. Clueless as to what these two things were, I was then forced to try to remember which one was said first and which was said second. Not only that, but I was supposed to respond to a question about why the first thing said (the former, that's my trick, former is the first and latter is the last) makes so much more sense than the second thing said, and why, despite this seemingly obvious fact, I chose to approach a problem with the second thing as my tool rather than the first.

I nodded, shook, hmmmmmmed. . . Several quiet seconds went by. I gave up trying to figure out what was actually going on. I reenacted that play in the 1989 playoffs when Jordan hit the shot over Craig Ehlo in my mind about three times before I finally gave in to the stone cold stare of previously mentioned conversational partner. I opened my mouth and responded in a way that required neither the former nor the latter (at least I don't think it did). I introduced a new thing! A third thing! There can be no F-L Shimmy with a list of three! Well, I guess there can, but the middle one will certainly be neglected due to not having a properly pretentious form of representation.

Whatever. This is what my week has come to. It's Friday night. 11:30 p.m. on the dawn of Labor Day weekend 2K9 and I'm freaking blogging about a verbal misunderstanding. Someone, come share an expensive dessert with me.

Robots Make People Happy

Maybe I’ve completely lost touch with the universe, but I’m nearly certain that Usain Bolt is a machine created by the universal panel for peace.

First, the machine part. This is pretty easy to prove. I, for example, run 4 or 5 times a week. I don’t over-exert myself (I’m probably out there for 30 minutes or so, and that includes a calisthenics routine akin to what an 80 year-old retiree in Arizona would do in the park). My diet consists of sale items at the grocery store. I probably drink too much, and my lack of commitment to difficult tasks is probably limiting my progress. All things considered (I gave NPR a $2 donation out of guilt for writing that), I reckon I’m in relatively good shape. Despite my attempts at staying above the curve (I even bought a yoga mat a few weeks ago to, uh, do yoga I guess) I will never be able to run anywhere near as quickly as Bolt.

He’s officially the fastest man ever to live on Earth, right? Sure nobody kept track of these things back in the day, but they also didn’t have trainers, pumas, frictionless bodysuits, or performance enhancing drugs back then. I don’t quite understand how, as time goes buy, these records keep on getting beat. Does this mean that eventually, a man will be able to run 100 meters in an infinitesimal amount of time? (I should say that I’ve been economizing way too much this week, so maybe my worries are completely pointless, but it’s fun to think about).

So, ok, he has to be a machine. Now, point 2, I think he was made by a group of well wishers in a constant struggle to keep all of the world’s ills at bay (bay? is that really how you spell that type of bay? is it literal? like, I’ve hopped in my boat and am going off to the distance and they are being held at the edge of the bay?). Here’s why I think this. Over the past decade, after the tremendous fun of the 1990s has shattered to pieces, everyone in the world hates each other and themselves. How better to cheer everyone up than to create an athletic phenom?

His last name is Bolt. What the hell are the odds that someone from the Bolt family (how many can there be?) would become the fastest man in the world? Pair that with a name that has been associated with evil totalitarianism as well as unprecedented democracy (I know it’s not spelled the same, but most people can’t spell well, so phonetically, it’s the same). Usain Bolt was obviously created to make the world happy….to make the world get along again. Everyone in the world can like this guy.

The thing is, I think it worked. Maybe it’s my complete isolation in the uncomfortably semi-urban Pacific Northwest, but everyone seems to be getting along much better than they were a year ago. Granted, a year ago I was in London, where everyone hates everything. Either way, I’m sort of glad Bolt was created. In fact, I sort of can’t wait till we all start hating each other again. Who knows what kind of sports start we’re in store for next? Homer Kim? Muqtada Hatrick?

This was really lame, I’m sorry, but I like to think the world is capable of producing robots…robots that make everyone feel better about everything.